Kylie Jenner on Life in the Spotlight Making Her Feel ‘Insane’: I ‘Didn’t Choose’ It, but I’m ‘Not Totally Innocent’

Extreme fame, at times, can also be extremely lonely — something Kylie Jenner has become painfully aware of in recent years.

On Sunday night, 19-year-old Jenner premiered her Keeping Up with the Kardashians spin-off, Life of Kyliewhich explores the behind-the-scenes of her day-to-day, the tight-knit group of friends she surrounds herself with, and last but not least, the price that comes with living a life in the spotlight.

The two-part season opener chronicled the star’s decision to make Sacramento high school student Albert Ochoa’s celebrity dream date come true by accompanying him to the Rio Americano High School prom along with her longtime best friend Jordyn Woods. But beyond that, the episode offered a glimpse into Jenner’s inner struggles with fame — read on for some of her quotes, spanning everything from selfies to self-doubt.

On people who say she has the perfect life:

“ laugh. In their face. Nobody has a perfect life. The only different thing about me, or out of the ordinary, really, is probably just that I have nice things. But what you realize when you get there — when I know I could buy any car, any house — is that that happiness lasts two seconds.”

“That’s not my real happiness, that’s not where I find happiness. I’m so blessed that I got to experience this at such a young age and learn that, so now I can find what really is going to make me happy.”

On the “two sides” to her:

“There’s an image that I feel constantly pressured to keep up with. In order to stay relevant for the public, I have to be on Instagram and I have to be on Snapchat just keeping people entertained. And then there’s who I really am around my friends. That’s who I want you guys to get to know.”

“It’s way easier for me to post on Snapchat or Instagram than it is to be out in public. I just feel like for so long I’ve been putting on this different persona to the world — I felt like I started to depend on social media, feeling the need to post all the time. I feel like I have to keep up this idea of who I am.”

“I think I lost a lot of parts of myself. My funny side — when I was 14 I used to post all these funny videos all the time, just me being like, super weird and funny and myself. I feel like once I started getting a little bit bigger, then people really started to … everyone says mean things sometimes, it’s just how social media is — it’s a really mean, negative space.”

“Every single day I see something negative about me. When that started happening, that really affected me. So I was like: ‘I’m not going to show people that side of me anymore.’ I’m kind of putting up a version of myself to the world that isn’t fully me.”

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On feeling like an outcast:

“I have a soft spot for the outcasts because I guess I was the outcast in a lot of ways, growing up. I still feel like an outcast in different ways now — because I can’t relate to a lot of people.”

“I had to get home-schooled, not really because I wanted to but because I missed so much school because I was working. It’s hard to feel normal. Because I always want to feel normal, that’s the goal in my life.”

“I started filming Keeping Up with the Kardashians when I was 9 years old. I really don’t know what it’s like to not have everyone know who I am. I don’t know what it’s like to live a normal life, where people just don’t know who you are, to get out of the car and not have everyone stare at you. I feel like when you grow up on camera, people think that they know you because you’re on social media so much and you’re on reality TV.”

On why she always flies private:

“I’m really not bougie like that. I don’t care, all planes are pretty. It’s just a lot of people at the airport — everyone just taking pictures of you when you’re just trying to be in sweats. I just don’t like the airport. It scares me.”

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On whether she wants kids:

“I do want kids. Who doesn’t want kids? My dogs feel like my little kids.”

On her love of glam:

“My passion has always been makeup. All I would do on YouTube when YouTube first came out was look at makeup tutorials and learn how to do my eyeshadow. I would be the only 6th grader in like, purple eyeshadow. It’s really my only passion — I’ve always known that, but I don’t feel like I’ve realized the extent of it until I launched my own makeup line.”

“I don’t feel like I need makeup. A lot of the time I feel like I’m not wearing makeup — no, I need makeup.”

On taking the perfect selfie:

“Posting a selfie is hard because it’s a lot of pressure. It has to be perfect. I check the comments right when I post. If they’re like: ‘What the f— is this Kylie?’ then I delete that s— super fast and reevaluate my decision!”

FROM COINAGE: The Crazy Cost of a Lifetime of Beauty

 

On her friendship with Jordyn, specifically:

“I actually feel like I’m in a full relationship with Kylie,” said her bestie Woods, 19. “There are different types of relationships — we’re definitely in one. Not necessarily sexual, but definitely emotional. It’s draining sometimes. I don’t want to say she’s a needy girlfriend, but …”

On how her family handles fame:

Kim always said this is like, what she’s made for. I respect that, but it’s hard to do normal things when every single person knows who you are.”

“I see Kendall and Bella and Hailey , and they’re just out here, like every day. They just put their outfits together and they’re made for this — which isn’t a bad thing. They look so good every day. Sometimes I wish I could do what they do. But that’s not me. I don’t want my picture taken. I don’t want people to see what outfit I’m wearing. Every time there’s paparazzi, I cover my face. I would love to wear this hoodie and my Heelys and sweats every day.”

“The only reason why I keep it up a little bit is Kylie Cosmetics. But it’s like, so much pressure. I want to grow as a person the way I want to grow, and the path that I want to take.”

On paying the price for life in the spotlight:

“I for sure didn’t choose this life, but I’m not going to say that I’m totally innocent, because I am keeping up this lifestyle. I know I’m making myself more famous by having an Instagram and posting photos, but I’m not that type of person where I want all the attention. I don’t like that. It actually freaks me out, because it reminds me that I’m ‘Kylie f—ing Jenner.’ ”

“A lot of people have it worse than me. It’s just it is a lot to handle. Sometimes, I’m like: ‘This is it. I’m going insane.’ ”

“I feel like this fame thing is going to come to an end sooner than we think. I’m getting the bug again, where I just want to run away. I just don’t know who I’m doing it for.”

“The new goal in my life is to just live. I live the most extraordinary life, and I’m very grateful. But the moments I feel completely normal and just a 19-year-old girl, it’s the best.”

Life of Kylie airs Sundays (9 p.m. ET) on E!

from PEOPLE.com http://people.com/tv/kylie-jenner-life-spotlight-feel-insane/

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